Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
