was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
