I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
