o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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