im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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