Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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