glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
