And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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