i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i think my mom watched the whole time
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Boobs are out for the taking
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
