I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
