I will die if light touches me.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
