omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
