in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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