i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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