I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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