he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
