i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I intend to get homeless drunk
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
