he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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