the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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