My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
