Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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