Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
