Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
