I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
