Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
