party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
