my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
