listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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