I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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