Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
