If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
