I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You can't motorboat a personality
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
