No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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