I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
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