You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
