Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize