I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
