Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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