had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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