There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
