Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
