i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
