I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
