I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
