I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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