bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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