That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
