Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
