i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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