If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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