I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
