i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize