I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
