I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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