I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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