the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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